What Living With Depression Is Like For Me

Depression is a monster, a demon, an affliction that haunts me almost every day.  It doesn't take a break from tormenting me.

Sometimes late at night, I go into rages.  These rages generally happen between midnight and 3:00 AM.  During these rages, I might scream, throw things, curse, self-harm or want to seek revenge on those who have hurt me in the past.  When my rage is over, I will feel remorseful for doing these things.

Every little thing can make me anxious and just throw off my entire day.  For example, if I'm talking to my mom, and there's a misunderstanding between us, I'll just shut down and feel upset for a large part of the day.

I haven't been hanging out with my friends lately because I feel like they won't understand me, or they might even pull away from me if I tell them some of the things that I'm going through, so I isolate myself from everyone and talk to my imaginary friends instead.

Depression also affects my ability to take care of myself.  Some days I don't get out of bed until noon, and I just stay in my pajamas all day.  Some days I don't brush my teeth, comb my hair, or even shower.  I don't feel like exercising, and I eat a lot sometimes because I'm so damn stressed all the time.  I'm not lazy.  My executive functioning just takes a nosedive.

Some days I feel like life isn't worth living.  Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I wasn't even here.  The only reason I am still here is for my family.  I know that they would be devastated if I were gone. I feel trapped because I don't want to hurt my family, but at the same time, I don't want to suffer anymore.

I'm not a monster, and I'm not a bad person.  I'm just a person who has been hurt, abused, bullied, excluded and misunderstood.  This, I believe, has what led to my depression.

I started to feel depressed when I was about 12 years old, when I started middle school.  At first, my mom and I both thought it was just puberty, but soon we realized that it wasn't, and I saw a school psychiatrist, who prescribed me some medication.

This mental illness that I have is impacting my ability to live out my dreams of becoming a writer and activist.  It's keeping me from loving life as an Autistic woman.

It's not my Autism that's making my life a living hell.  It's my depression.  If only I had a better support system, I could thrive, not just survive.

The only thing that's keeping me alive is my faith in God.  I've been reading my Bible, praying and listening to Christian music to try and increase my faith.  If I didn't have God in my life, I'd probably just totally fall apart.

I hope and I pray that I will win this battle with depression and that I will be able to live life happily again.